A shift is needed…

It is so that my transgressions
Have born a withered fruit
The sun has scorched the rising plants
Alas, they have no root
The bleached bones of animals
Bound by leather strips
Dance through the air with laughter

As I wield this wicked whip
As you did warn me, carpenter
This world has weakened my heart
So easily I disparage
Self-seeking the work of my art
And there you have come to me
At the moment I bathe in my sorrow
So in love with myself
Sought after avoiding tomorrow
Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you?
And offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you
Your beauty does bereave me
And how my words do fail,
So faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal

The weak and the down trodden
Fall on broken legs
As I walk past a smile I cast
Fervor in my stead
But my bones, like plastic
Do buckle backward now
As I lay in this field by Judas
And anticipate the plow
I can not be forgiven
My wages will be paid,
For those more lovely and admirable
Is least among the saved,
And where would I fit Jesus?
What place is left for me?
The price of atonement
Is more than I’ve found to offer as my plea,

Jesus, my heart is all I have to give to you
So weak and so unworthy
This simply will not do
No alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough
For your body that was broken
How can this be enough?
By me you were abandoned
By me you were betrayed
Yet in your arms and in your heart
Forever I have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life
And no darkness will descend
For you have loved me forever
And your love will never end

(Song: “Matthias Replaces Judas” by Showbread)

Don’t think of these words as a simple song. Instead, think of the first two stanzas as Judas’ suicide note. A man so distraught about betraying the man he followed, served, and loved for three and a half years, that he couldn’t bare the thought of living a day longer in his sorrow. Think of it as words written out on an ancient piece of parchment with a simple feather pen and ink. It was written in the dim orange flicker of candle light as the greedy man’s hands shook with grief. His tears began to blot the ink on the paper as he tried to write the last few words, “Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you, and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you? Your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail, so faithfully and dutifully I award you with betrayal.”

Then imagine if you will, the words of his now dead Savior, ran through his mind as he bundled together a crude noose out of some simple fisherman’s rope he had borrowed from Peter a few days ago for some unknown job. As he ties it together, the demons and tormentors go to work on his mind, he is driven insane because of the forgiveness he can’t grant to himself. He flings the rope that was used countless times to haul fish into a boat to pay the bills and taxes, and dropped the now crumpled parchment. It fell from his hand and hit the sandy earth and bounced a few times, only to stop at the foot of the rock Judas used to hoist himself up, then with one final convulsion of grief and with a groan of agony he jumps off, allowing the noose to tighten and cut off his air. And as he hung there his last tormented dying thought was, “Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you, and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you?”

Then imagine, a few days later, a man who would later take Judas’ place as one of the twelve to spread the news of Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection, is simply walking. He stumbled on the rotting corpse of the man he knew to be Jesus disciple. The body, half eaten by bugs and birds, was still hanging there, swaying in the breeze, filling the air with a terrible stanch that burned his nose. Matthias looks down and sees the ball of paper. He picks it up and tries to decipher the tear stained paper. After a full two minuets he looks back at the body of the condemned man and begins to weep. Then he dictates the last two stanzas.

Now that Jesus had died and come back to life, Matthias knew that he was just as guilty of betrayal as Judas was, because it was his sin that placed his Savior, friend, and maker on that Roman torture tree. As he walks away, he cries out to God for forgiveness, something that Judas couldn’t do. And as he enters the city to join his friends and other followers of the Way in the room to await the promised Spirit of God, he finds himself reflecting on his own words, “Jesus, my heart is all I have to give to you. So weak and so unworthy, this simply will not do. No alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough; For your body that was broken, how can this be enough? By me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed, yet in your arms and in your heart forever I have stayed. Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend. For you have loved me forever, and your love will never end!”

This is my cry also.


Comments on: "Judas’ Suicide Note, Matthias’ Dictation" (9)

  1. Very powerful.

  2. Michael Haberlein said:


  3. Michael Haberlein said:

    Just Kidding, very well written.

  4. It always amazes me that a Disciple of Christ – Trained to be wise to the ways of his ‘Master’ – the Son of God no less – would, after three or four years in His Presence have so little faith and be so unwise of His Master’s true purpose that he would feel shame at a ‘betrayal’ that Christ Himself Picked Judas out for, knowing in advance that His Own Sacrifice was not going to be the only one made at the appointed time…

    Still remembering the fate of most of the Discples of Christ, Judas may well have ‘gotten off’ comparatively lightly?

    Is it still to be even today that those who follow Christ most closely are in for a gruesome painful earthly death?

    Something just seems so ‘wrong’ about that to me?


  5. danielcrawford said:

    I have read this before. Excellent.
    Come and see what the Red Moose is saying.

  6. Wow! Powerfully poignant and dramatically written from a beautiful heart! More of ths please!

  7. where you be?

  8. come back to us, andrew!!!

  9. 20110203.0105

    Did you know that Judas Iscariot was unsuccessful in his attempt to commit suicide by hanging?

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